I was about 34 weeks pregnant when my pubic symphysis
separation went into full effect. In
addition to having suffered from debilitating rheumatoid arthritis pain since
week 24, this was bringing me to an extreme place. My knees had buckled under the pain
since week 26, and I broke down and used a cane. (It was either that or I was stuck at
home.) In addition to the pain, and the
psychological effect of realizing I couldn’t walk unassisted, the stares and
questions of why I had a cane were so humiliating. We moved across country at week 32, with all
the bustle and busyness of moving, I am sure it exacerbated my situation. Between weeks 33 and 34, I could feel the
pelvis shift and the separation of the pubic symphysis beginning. Even with medication, every step was agony.
This pregnancy was supposed to be full of joy. Yet I was torn, physically and emotionally,
as I was still in grief from our baby son’s death the previous summer. I had rollercoaster emotions from weeping
still over not ever seeing my son grow up and rejoicing at this new baby girl
who grew within me. However, when the
pubic separation occurred, I just couldn’t hold on any longer. I felt my whole emotional and psychological
energy and resistance drained. Just
being awake and moving around felt like knives jamming into my pelvis.
I felt such guilt for feeling so poorly. And then when I had waves of grief, it
escalated the guilt “I should be happy!
I am expecting my first baby girl!
She is healthy and prefect! And
yet I am sad…and crying from the constant pain…” In desperation, I asked for prayers. Many people reached out in support and love,
but the sisterhood of the Guiding Star Project had a compassion that reached
beyond. For many of these women had
experienced the pain I was going through and could offer love and encouragement
from a place of having gone through it themselves. I was overwhelmed by the tenderness of their
messages. I felt very comforted but more
than that I felt known. Someone else had gone through what I was
going through and showed me there was a way out.
And when our beautiful daughter was born, she was so
cute and tiny. She also had a little
jaundice so her coloring was off. PTSD
from the birth/death of my son hit me like a train wreck. I would wake up in the middle of the night
and look at her sleeping in the co-sleeper and then my brain would freak
out. All I could then see was the
lifeless body of my son from a year ago.
Panic would take over and I would begin hyperventilating; my heart was
racing and my emotions swelled. I just
sat there, frozen. For what seemed like
forever, I couldn’t move and I just sat and stared. I knew it wasn’t really, but I couldn’t shut
it off. I saw my son. I then reached down frantic and touched the
baby, my sweet daughter stretched and whimpered and I snapped out of it. I cannot tell you how many times that
happened in her first weeks. What I can
tell you is that I thought I was out of my mind. I was scared by what was happening and
embarrassed that I did not have control over my own mind.
When it didn’t stop, I reached out to a member of the
Guiding Star Project who also works as a bereavement doula. She assured me I wasn’t alone and that as
bizarre as it sounded, this was a normal PTSD reaction to the trauma I
experienced. She gave me reassurance,
support and love. She also gave me
mental tools to use in the moment these experiences were triggered. I would then begin saying to myself, “this is
not Giorgio, this is Thérèse.
PierGiorgio Matteo is with the Father in heaven. I am feeling this way because I miss little
Giorgio, but I won’t feel this way forever.”
She also encouraged me to reach out to my doctor if I or my husband
really saw me not acting like myself. We
took her advice and also received medical help from my OB to work with me to
try to stabilize the emotional swings and avoid the triggers of the PTSD.
If she hadn’t been as loving, consoling and knowing as she was, my emotional and
psychological state would have suffered much more than it did and I would not
have thought to ask for medical help.
Many people can pray for you, many can love you tremendously, but
without knowledge and experience of what you are experiencing, it is difficult
for them to give you the help you need.
My OB doctor is wonderful, but he has so many
patients and it is not his position to follow up daily on the emotional
well-being of his post-partum mothers.
They need to know to come to him.
Yet, when you have a full service clinic, the doulas, the doctors, the
lactation consultants, the counselors can all help to truly care for the whole
person. A woman is a beautiful harmony
of many systems. The psychological,
physical, emotional, and spiritual all need to be cared for in order for her to
feel whole. I do not live near a Guiding
Star center, but I wish I did. If the
kind of compassion, knowledge, love and support I received from members of
their National Board is evidence of the care and ideal of their mission, then
every woman would benefit from the care of a Guiding Star Center.
My daughter is almost 6 months old now. She is growing, gaining cute baby chubs and
beginning to babble and smile a lot more.
Every day I am feeling a little better emotionally. Equipped with the tools to work through this
difficult time, I am no longer scared by what I am going through. I am being patient with myself and the
healing process of grief. I am also free
of the guilt. I am able to enjoy my
sweet angel and allow my love for her to fill up my heart. I wrote this post to say “thank you” to the
ladies associated with the Guiding Star who helped me through these challenging
months, ladies who I am honored to call my friends.
Today is also Give to the Max day in Minnesota. GSP is working to organize a national network
of centers all across America to give every woman wholistic life affirming care
from early on until her elderly years.
We need this. America needs
this. Give to the Max today. Be a light to women. Give to Guiding Star.
