Thursday, July 28, 2016

Our baby died and went to heaven...

I haven't written for a while. I am sorry about that because now it feels like I have too much to say to include it in one post - but I want to share. So grab a kleenex and take a peak into our life...

On July 18, I shared this announcement:
Dear family and friends,
It is with very heavy hearts that we write to inform you that our little unborn baby has gone on to heaven. At my 18 week ultrasound, there was no heartbeat, no movement and no blood flow. We were not able to tell if the baby is a boy or a girl yet. We will know on Wednesday when I go in for the induction (yes, I will go through full labor).
Peter will be with me all day on Wednesday in the hospital and the boys will be at a friend’s home. When we told the boys, the three oldest were just torn apart in sadness. Please pray for them. And for us – we will forever carry this little emptiness where our baby should have been.
We will name the baby on Wednesday and he or she will be entombed at the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe in La Crosse, which gives us much peace. Our baby will forever rest in Our Lady’s arms.
For those local to us, we are obviously cancelling the baby reveal party on Saturday, which is heartbreaking. As you also know, we are moving in August. Some have asked how they can help. Meals would be helpful. Offering to come play with the boys would also be helpful. If you can help pack or clean, please let me know. I know I will be in mourning for a bit and these next few weeks will be most painful to get myself going to do what needs to be done for the move and for the comfort of my dear boys.
Thank you for your prayers and your love. There was nothing on the ultrasound that they could pinpoint was a reason for the baby’s passing. We may know more on Wednesday; we may never know. All we can do is trust our loving Father who thought this precious angel too good to have to live in this world. God gives us these children as gifts for us to care for and love, but they are His children first. My heart is broken and full of sorrow, but I know that God embraces our little one and that at least is some comfort.
In our Father’s hands,
Theresa and Peter
On July 20, 2016 I shared this:

Our little baby boy "Giorgio" -PierGiorgio Matteo Martin was born into heaven at 2:53 p.m. July 20, 2016.
He is named after Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati (who loved others so passionately) and St Matthew (whose name means "gift from God").
He will forever be in our hearts though we cannot hold him in our arms.
We will entomb him at 10 a.m. this Saturday, July 23, at the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe in La Crosse in the Memorial to the Unborn. All are welcome to the ceremony.
Baby Giorgio Martin, pray for us.

After the Entombment Ceremony Saturday, I wrote this reflection:

I feel so empty... It was raining today. It felt right. Even the heavens were crying - the thunder echoed my heartbreak... and my soul was able to feel a calm by the sound of the rain - as we were waiting for the time to approach I held the casket of my child and closed my eyes. My heart found comfort in heaven's tears and being so close to my baby's body. Knowing this is the last time I will rock him, I swayed with the sound of the wind and rain. People arrived - so many more than we expected (we felt so loved) - I was overwhelmed. I thought I was going to collapse from heartache - but all the prayers of all of you, those praying from afar as well as those with us, sustained me. As I wept, I felt a strength around me holding me up. Then the time came to take the little blanket off the casket and place the casket in the tomb. How I wanted to scream - this isn't right! It's all a bad dream, someone tell me there has been a terrible mistake - but I placed it into the tomb. I'm glad I did it. I needed to be the one who did it. But oh how hard that was to actually let him go...
Thank you for praying for us, we feel your love and prayers and they are helping us get through. This has been the most difficult week of our lives - and yet it has also been full of mercy and grace. Today was the day I had planned a big baby reveal party - and instead I had to bury my baby. I'm saying too much probably - I'm sorry if I'm ripping at your heart too, but some things I feel compelled to share.
As I lay to sleep tonight, I remember what I was doing last night as I held my sweet, precious baby Giorgio's body in my hands one last time. And tonight my arms are empty ... Jesus, help me. Jesus, heal me. Jesus, I trust in you.
From last night:
Got him ready tonight ... placed him into his final resting place in his casket. That's the last time I'll be able to "take care of Giorgio." I don't think I could have cared for Christ more lovingly... Only to realize that as I did this while sitting on the couch in the playroom, this would be his only time in a playroom.
I never get to see him throw a tantrum or bonk his big brothers' heads and laugh. I never get to help him stack his blocks or race his cars or let him listen to my heart with his doctor kit...
We have to physically let him go tomorrow, placing him in the tomb at the Shrine. And even though I'll never be ready, it has to be happen.
And it will. And I will carry him there. & Peter and I and all our boys will cry uncontrollably - we have been these last couple days; I can't imagine what we'll be like tomorrow. But it's okay. They can cry as much as they need.
We will leave his little body there, but his soul is with Jesus. And he will always be in our hearts...
And we will remember him as we strive with his namesake to live with courage and excellence - "Verso l'alto!"
Oh Jesus, have mercy on us and on the whole world...

And I think that catches you up ... please pray for our family - we are so heart-broken and trying to cope with grief as we pack to move to Bismarck, ND...