Monday, April 11, 2016

Beyond the wall - or - be careful what you pray for - God's got this.

Ever feel like you are spinning your wheels and not going anywhere? You have this hope of achieving something (not a big something - even just five minutes a day of quiet!) and no matter what you do it is ever-elusive. Like the horizon, the harder you work to get to it, the further away it seems.

I have felt that way! And I consider myself a pretty tough woman. I like to step up to the challenge and accomplish it! This is a gift and a curse. (It makes it very hard to "let go"!) I recently confessed not finding time for daily prayer. I pray every day, but time set aside where no one is interrupting me is difficult to find! My loving priest said, "in your vocation, some of that is up to God to do, You need to let Him find the time for you. Stop trying to do it yourself, that's God's job."

God's job? That's weird, I thought. It's my fault - my guilt - mia culpa! Right? I kept rebutting it in my mind, "but I have to ... but I have to ..." No, no, I don't. I do what I can and then I have to Let. It. Go.

So I prayed for God to find the time. The next few nights, our baby didn't sleep well. On the third night, as I sat up with him, coaxing him to sleep, I felt a whisper in my heart, "here is your time."

And the wall that I felt like I kept beating my head against, not able to overcome or get beyond, disintegrated. I was lifted out of myself and drenched in His consolation. All I had to do was let go. Stop the crazy driving-forward, wheel-spinning stressing and - just - be.

But I also had to accept God's time. 3 a.m. would not have been my choice! But it is a moment I would trade a thousand three a.m.s to have again!

It is so simple and so challenging. If you are like me and have an "I got this" attitude, learning to say, "God, you can get this" is the biggest hurdle for my spiritual life.

I had to let go of even the "but I should be sleeping - but how will I function tomorrow - but why does the baby have to be crying ..." and say "your will be done."

It is when we stop fighting, stop worrying, stop rushing, that God can love us and bring us miles ahead in an instant. My daily prayer now is "what do I need to give to you, Lord?" Obviously, we offer God everything, but there is usually one or two particular things that grip us and cause us stress.

It's okay. It's not all on your shoulders. You don't have to solve it. You don't have to carry that burden anymore! Let Him have it - He's got this!



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