We got a chance to visit my folks - I just love visiting my childhood home! You are overcome with a sense of peace and joy. Like the a cozy blanket, being with my parents & family brings comfort.
Yet, mixed in that experience hidden beneath the folds, I still have to fight off old habits. Old ways of thinking and living that I have been freed of, but through smells and sights, come to the forefront of my mind, attempting to lure me back into its grasp.
My friends, that takes a lot of strength to fight off. If you remember from previous posts, I had a bout with anorexia in junior high and although the physical nature of it was overcome the mental games lingered on in my mind until last year. Was I good enough? Pretty enough? Thin enough? And once again I was bombarded by these thoughts after my trip home.
I know who I am and Whose I am. I am good enough. Yet it is so freeing to be reminded of it by others!
Enter my darling children.
Baby crawled up to me the other day when I was on the floor tired and frazzled and looking you know, not so hot. He started attempting to kiss my face, which really meant licking it! And at first I was going to take him away, because he was slobbering all over me! But then I saw the joy and love in his face. He loved me, his mama, with such a fierce joyful love that made him giggle! He "kissed" me and laughed and kissed me and laughed and hugged my head and kissed me again. I realized he wanted – and needed – to love me. As I let down my guard of "gross slobber need to clean", and just let him live on me - I changed...I was affirmed as someone worthy of such affection. And what an affirmation that is!
The other night, it was one of those days and I desperately needed a shower, and I said something to my husband like "I know I'm gross but let's just sit down and eat dinner." To which he responded, "you're beautiful! You're not gross at all! You are so beautiful!" And then my oldest (10 year old son) chimed in, "listen to that song, mom. Then you'll know you're beautiful! You know the one that doesn't know it but she is." He meant of course "She don't know she's beautiful" by Sammy Kershaw. And again, my first thought was, he's just a kid what does he know and then I was able to push that wall aside and look at him. He believed it! He said it so matter of factly though as it was just a given "my mom's beautiful." And once again as I let him love me, I was affirmed as someone to be loved and once again it changed me...
|what love looks like :-)|