Sunday, February 10, 2013

Does Sex Make Women Happy?

Does Sex Make Women Happy?
No, seriously!  I’m really asking this question!  Does sex make women happy?  Why you ask?  It seems obvious you say?  Really?  Perhaps, you are right.  I mean, everyone experiences that sexual desire, a desire that longs to be completed and actualized.  It’s a potential happiness that pulls us and beckons us, and it would seem that with such a great yearning implanted in us, that the fulfillment of such desire would bring happiness.  Yet, still I ask, does sex itself actually fulfill that longing and desire for women?

We are told that sex does make women happy.  In fact, we are told over and over and over and over that it does.  Magazines tell us, movies tell us, tv shows tell us, even news personalities joke about it as an obvious reality; they can’t all be wrong.  Can they?  Guidance counselors, teachers, even some parents pass on this obvious fact that sex makes everyone happy, of course it would be true for women, too. 
This is why they give out condoms and birth control pills in school, because of course children will be having sex; it’s a given.  You must assume that behind the “of course they are going to do it” is an idea that “sex is good and fun and irresistible for all.”  Really?  Does sex really make women happy?
I know I’m being annoyingly redundant here, but we need to shake ourselves out of this circular thought process.  Stop for a moment and just think about it.  Does sex make women happy?  Does sex make young ladies happy?  Well, if ‘I think so, yes’ is your answer, then why?
Sex feels good.  Okay, granted; it feels good.  Yet, does it always feel good for the woman?  Does she always have a partner who pays particular attention to her sexual needs in order to allow her that climactic pleasure that is easily achieved for men?  If she does not have a monogamous, longterm relationship, then chances are sex for her is a hit and miss.  Sometimes it’s great, sometimes just ‘so-so,’ and other times not very good at all, leaving her emotionally empty, which is the exact opposite of the happiness she sought.  Many times this is why alcohol or drugs are thrown into the mix as well, because sex alone is not enough.  (That’s a depressing thought, but anyway, moving on…)

there were issues from the start! ;-)

Sex makes her happy, because sex makes her feel loved.  Well, okay, sex could make her feel loved, by feeling close, united, ‘one with’ her partner.  Yet, if that feeling of being loved is undermined by the men in her life never sticking around very long, then she is going to emotionally detach it from sex and even begin to resent sex.
Many young ladies feel that they have to give sex to get any kind of male attention at all.  After a junior high and high school wrought with multiple sexual encounters, it just becomes something you do, like playing tennis.  It doesn’t mean anything.  (Another depressing thought, but again, moving on…)
You then have a generation of women who are having sex without real commitment not because they are that excited about it, nor because it really makes them truly happy, but because “that’s just what you do.”  And they believe, if they don’t, they will be shunned socially and never be able to find a man to settle down with and marry.  Okay, okay, I hear you.  “Well, look, Theresa,” you say, “You make it sound so awful, but I enjoy sex!  I’m not married and it’s fun and does feel good.”  Feeling good and being truly happy are two different things.  Sex is also a powerful force and can become addictive.  Having sex for someone who has a sexual addiction (and women as well as men can be addicted to sex), is the release of scratching an itch, ‘Oh that feels so good!’  But give it a day and the itch comes back, never fully quenched always needing more.  Happiness is being able to be satisfied, being at peace, content. 
Yet, sex ought to make women happy.  At least, it would seem so.  Why would God place in her a desire and passion for something that in the end seems to disappoint rather than fulfill that desire?  There must be a better answer.  The answer then going back to our primary question would be “it better!” or else God does not seem very loving, does He? 
So, we’ve looked at a few ways that sex wouldn’t bring her happiness, but what would the circumstances have to be in which sex could truly make a woman happy?  Sex for women is not the same as sex is for men.  The world can try to convince us of this until they are blue in the face, but reality constantly proves otherwise.  Men are more physical; they seek that physical oneness and sex is a high priority for them.  Women, on the other hand, are more relational and wholistic; they seek emotional oneness, and much to men’s surprise there might just be other priorities that women may rank higher.  You see, she is looking for understanding, for love, and to be emotionally needed.  Fulfilling all of this takes time. 
And yet!  What if she had a man that took that time?  What if she had a man who with every moment of the day reflected the emotional unity she sought, so that when they came together sexually it was a reflection and magnification of the communication and love they have been sharing throughout the rest of the day?  What if she felt completely secure, knowing that her man would never leave her and whatever came of their sexual union, he would always be with her?  What if she had a man who didn’t push her nor was aggressive, but patiently focused on her every need when they made love?  What if she had a man who stayed awake afterwards to sing her a song or talk with her until she felt completely loved?  Would sex then bring her happiness?  I believe the answer is: yes! Absolutely!
It is almost as if we know that sex ought to bring us happiness, so we try to force it to do so.  We have a desire for it, a passion for it and we rush to grab it.  Yet, when we extract it from the perfectly situated place it deserves to be, it loses its power; it loses its ability to grant that real happiness.  Sex itself is reduced to a mere pastime activity, like tennis.  Pastime activities never brought anyone complete happiness, nor are they meant to.  Yet, we know somewhere within that sex has a deeper meaning, that it has a higher purpose.  And we keep trying to take it, grab it, claim it for ourselves. 
Perhaps it’s time we stop grabbing.  What if we flip the over-sexualized world on its head and actually put sex back where it is most powerful, most fulfilling, and most rewarding: a monogamous, life long relationship.  Instead of seeing the sexual revolution as women’s freedom from the role of wife and mother, perhaps the real revolution would be giving those roles, that status, the full weight of dignity and respect it deserves.  Instead of ripping sex apart from a committed relationship and leaving the woman vulnerable, alone and terrified (so terrified and alone at times that she would even be willing to sacrifice the life of her own child to cope … and that is the most depressing thought of all …), what if we give new meaning and freedom into that relationship?  What if we demanded more of men and not less of women?  What if we sought true happiness for her, would we still push her full force into the dating rat race of sexual promiscuity feminists flags blazing in the sun?  No, no we wouldn’t.  But the “I want it now”, grab-it-and-run attitude never looks past the first three steps of the consequences of their actions.  (I am writing another blog post for the Guiding Star Project blog entitled: “A Generation Later: the Heartbreaking Consequences of the Sexual Revolution” in which I go into more detail on these issues.  I’ll let you know when it’s up.)
For now, we’ll stick with just the sex topic here.  And to conclude, I’d like to leave you with this video of Helen Alvare.  It’s 15 minutes, but WELL WORTH IT.  She talks about the need to not keep talking about what abortion is, but that we need to back it up and speak about what sex really is.  (Which is why I thought it perfect to finish with!)

So does sex make women happy?  It certainly has the potential to do so, but it can also have the potential to destroy her.  Its power is harnessed towards love, though, within that committed relationship, which is where the woman finds the most happiness.

your friendly new feminist,

Well, that’s my view of it and I welcome yours!  (Please comment below!  And please use initials or first name or even pseudonym instead of simply “anonymous” so we can have some way to distinguish each person in the discussion.  Thank You!)

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  1. Thank you! I agree completely! And I would like to note that it's even difficult within *marriage* to achieve complete trust and security and satisfaction in a sexual relationship...I honestly cannot imagine what it would be like apart from marriage.

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